


Changes

by rurambles



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, FTM Tsukishima Kei, Light Transphobia, M/M, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:01:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28992603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rurambles/pseuds/rurambles
Summary: Kei hated that he had to wait to get permission to join the volleyball team.Student file--Name: Tsukishima HotaruPreferred Name: Tsukishima KeiSex: FClass: 1-4Photo: [Photo of middle school Kei with round glasses, softer facial features, and blond, chin-length curls]
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 21
Kudos: 113





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This idea wormed its way into my head and I couldn't work on anything else until I started it so here's the beginning of my trans Tsukki fic. Halcyon Days is still going strong, this just demanded to be written as well.

Kei hated that he had to wait to get permission to join the volleyball team.

On the first day of class he had found the volleyball club’s academic advisor, explained his situation and patiently asked if he would be allowed to join the team. Takeda-sensei seemed frazzled at the question. Kei didn’t really blame him, this was most likely the first time a student had ever asked anything like that of him.

But Takeda-sensei straightened his glasses and told Kei to give him a few days and he would see what he could do.

It took a week. A week of telling his best friend to go on ahead without him, a week of looking longingly at the gym and silently wishing he could join in.

At the end of the week Takeda-sensei pulled him aside after class and told him that he was allowed to play, he had to make a lot of phone calls but he fought for Kei and he would be allowed on the team and be able to participate in tournaments.

Takeda-sensei smiled warmly at him, “I won’t make you disclose anything, you should do what you’re comfortable with, but I do think you should consider telling the captain, just so he knows to keep an eye out.”

Kei folded his hands politely in front of himself and nodded. He’d rather as few people as possible know. But if he could keep it between the coach, faculty advisor, captain, and his best friend, then things shouldn’t be too bad. He clenched his fists and tried to convince himself that things actually wouldn’t be that bad.

Takeda-sensei walked him to the gym and Kei hated how all of the attention in the room was immediately turned to them. One of the players, Kei assumed he was the captain, called a halt to the practice and they gathered around Takeda-sensei to hear what he had to say.

When they were all gathered Kei noticed, with a small amount of pride, that he was the tallest person in the room.

“I have a new member for you,” Takeda-sensei said to the small group, “I’ll leave you for introductions.”

“He’s so tall!” A bald kid said loudly as he took a quick step towards Kei.

Kei instinctually took a step back, he didn’t want to be touched, “Tsukishima Kei,” he said quietly, bowing his head slightly, “Nice to meet you.”

The one he correctly guessed was the captain introduced everyone (Yamaguchi waved when he was introduced and they explained that they were already friends), but then the captain-- Daichi, he said to call him-- asked if he had any prior volleyball experience.

Kei unconsciously made a face, he did have the experience but he didn’t want to explain it.

Luckily Yamaguchi spoke up, “Tsukki and I played on the same team in middle school,” he lied smoothly, “He was middle blocker.” At least that part was true.

Daichi looked at him again, like he finally saw how tall he was, “Well, let’s see what you got,” he put a hand on Kei’s back making him tense immediately but Daichi didn’t seem to notice, “Over their is our club room, you can get changed in there.”

He nodded.

* * *

Kei didn’t go to the club room to get changed. He walked back into the school and into the nearest bathroom. After making sure it was empty he made his way into a stall and locked the door.

Kei rested his forehead against the door. He couldn’t do this. There was no way he would be able to be part of the volleyball team as he was. They would find out and kick him off the team. It didn’t matter that the team was tiny and he was the tallest person there, they would be disgusted by him and make him leave.

He slowly took off his uniform. Methodically undoing each button until he could shrug the shirt off his shoulders.

He looked down at his bound chest.

There was no way he could change in the club room with everyone else.

There was no way he could do this.

* * *

Kei made it to practice and tried to pretend like he didn’t stand out. Everyone in the gym wore the same white shirt they wore during gym class except for him with his purple shirt with small moon insignia on the chest. The standard white shirt was too thin and he knew that if he wore it, let alone if he did any amount of sweating in it, his binder would be revealed. And he didn’t want to have that conversation.

Luckily no one asked him why he didn’t dress in his gym clothes and he didn’t have to explain that he didn’t actually have a set because he had been excused from the class. The school didn’t want to deal with his particular problem and he was perfectly content to not announce anything about himself to the entire school.

Everyone’s attention was also drawn by two other first years who did nothing but bicker with each other. It made fading into the background easier.

Yamaguchi stuck by his side and Kei knew that if it came down to it his friend would try and fight everyone in this gym to protect him. It wouldn’t go well for them, but he’d try.

“Thanks,” he said quietly to Yamaguchi.

He did a double take like he wasn’t sure if Kei had just spoken to him, “Sure?” he said, confused.

Kei didn’t offer any insight but he was thankful that Yamaguchi had lied on his behalf. Kei had, in fact, played volleyball in middle school, but back then he wasn’t allowed to play on the boys’ team so they weren’t actually teammates. If anyone cared they could probably find out that no one named Tsukishima Kei played on their middle school team, but he doubted anyone would go searching.

After practice Kei approached Daichi and stood silently by and waited while he finished up his conversation with Suga. He laced his hands neatly in front of him and tried not to fidget when the two upperclassmen noticed him waiting, but it took only a minute more for Daichi to dismiss Suga.

“Tsukishima, is there anything I can do for you?”

“Daichi-san,” he said politely, “May I speak to you in private?”

Kei tended to become extra polite when he was uncomfortable and Daichi seemed to pick up on how tense he was because he immediately led Kei outside and behind the gym.

“No one should interrupt us here,” he said seriously.

Kei squeezed his hands into fists, “Has Takeda-sensei spoken to you about me? My,” he paused for a second, “medical issue that required I get permission to join the team?”

Daichi frowned lightly and Kei could tell that he was trying to figure out if he was sick, “No, he hasn’t.”

“You should ask him for my student file. I’ll give him permission to show it to you,” Kei said dismissively, backing down at the last second to tell him himself.

He tried to leave but Daichi grabbed his arm to stop him. Kei froze, unable to move.

“Sorry,” Daichi said quickly, “I didn’t mean to startle you. I just wanted to ask if you’re sure you don’t want to tell me yourself.”

It took Kei a few more beats to get his breathing under control before he wiped imaginary dirt from his arms, “I don’t like being touched,” he said, shakier than he wanted, “My file will be more than satisfactory. Thank you for your time, Captain.” He bowed his head lightly and finally made his exit.

He was a few paces away when Daichi called his name again, “Tsukishima, the club room is that way.”

Kei raised one of his hands to wave away his concerns, “I live close by, I’ll change and shower there.”

* * *

Student file--

Name: Tsukishima Hotaru  
Preferred Name: Tsukishima Kei  
Sex: F  
Class: 1-4  
Photo: [Photo of middle school Kei with round glasses, softer facial features, and blond, chin-length curls]

* * *

Kei arrived to practice the next morning already dressed in his workout clothes so he could once again avoid the club room. He planned on excusing himself to the bathroom when practice was over and changing in the stall. At worst they would probably think that he was shy, and he could deal with that.

Before practice started Daichi quietly pulled him aside.

“I saw your student file,” he said, a bit awkwardly.

Kei stared at him. Even if the high school league and the faculty advisor let him on the team, if the captain didn’t want him there then he would be forced to quit. So he stayed quiet and waited to hear if Daichi was going to kick him off the team for something he couldn’t control.

Daichi noticed that he was awaiting sentencing, “You’re fine!” he said a touch too loudly. He was obviously nervous but Kei figured it was unlikely he had dealt with a teammate like him before, “We’re happy to have you on the team, really. Does anyone else know?”

Kei tsked lightly. That was a vague question. He obviously didn’t need to go through who in his family did or did not know about him, “You, Takeda-sensei, and Yamaguchi,” he decided on. His homeroom teacher knew as well, but that information probably wasn’t relevant.

“You went to middle school together,” Daichi said mostly to himself.

“I,” Kei spoke up but then immediately regretted it. But Daichi was being kind to him and for some reason he felt like he needed to fess up, “I didn’t play boys’ volleyball in middle school,” he said quietly, “So please allow me a bit of time to adjust to the height of the net.”

Daichi laughed and went to slap Kei on the back but stopped himself, remembering at the last second that he didn’t like being touched, “You’re already taller than all of us, I think you’ll be fine.”

* * *

There were a lot of big personalities in the Karasuno volleyball club. Kei found them annoying, but at the same time they were oddly relaxing. Because he was never going to be the center of attention he found it easy to let his own personality out a bit instead of hiding in the background.

And that often meant taunting the likes of Kageyama, Hinata, and Tanaka.

He knew that they thought he was mean, that his sarcastic comments had too much bite behind them, but riling them up brought him a small thrill. It was a weird and terrible combination of playing with fire and building camaraderie.

Yamaguchi brought it up one day, “You look like you’re having fun with them.”

Kei glanced down at his friend, “Not really,” he denied.

“You wanna know what I think?” Yamaguchi asked

“Not really”

He continued on like Kei didn’t just say he didn’t care, “I think you’re happy to be on the team but you don’t want to be close to them just in case.”

Kei shrugged.

“They seem like good people,” his friend said carefully.

“They seem like idiots,” Kei shot back.

Yamaguchi laughed, “They are, aren’t they.”

* * *

“Argh, Tsukishima!” Hinata yelled, “Why do you have to be so mean!”

“I don’t know,” he said casually, “Why do you have to be so short? Just born that way, I guess.”

Hinata jumped and tried to grab the ball that Kei was holding but Kei pulled it away last second. He tried to hold back a grin. This childish game of keepaway shouldn’t be so amusing but Hinata got more and more irritated the more Kei taunted him and he couldn’t help but egg him on.

“Just give me the ball, Tsukishima,” he whined.

There was a cart full of volleyballs just a few steps away from them and if this were any other day maybe he would have pointed it out, but he was actually having fun taunting his short counterpart.

“Can’t you reach?” he said haughtily, “I thought you were the best at jumping.”

Hinata dove for him and Kei artfully side stepped him.

“You’ll have to do better than that,” he taunted.

Hinata lowered his eyes and got the super serious look he usually reserved for the middle of games. It made Kei pause, like Hinata would be able to see right through him, but he quickly shook off the thought, Hinata was too stupid to notice anything unusual about him.

He jumped again and Kei raised the ball above his head. Hinata missed but immediately went to tackle him and Kei wasn’t expecting him to attack again so soon. Fortunately Kei had rather good reflexes when it came to not wanting to be touched, unfortunately Hinata was much faster than he was.

Hinata managed to grab on to Kei’s bicep and the action startled both of them enough that the momentum toppled them to the floor.

The ball bounced away.

“You idiot!” Kei scolded him, “You could have hurt one of us!”

Hinata looked away defiantly, “You should have given me the ball.”

They looked over to where the ball had rolled, right next to the cart full of spare volleyballs.

“Will you do blocking practice with me?”

“Absolutely not.”

* * *

“Tsukishima!” Hinata called out, “Are you coming with us?”

Kei turned around and saw the three other first years. Yamaguchi gave him a small smile as if to apologize for their loud teammate’s antics.

“No,” he said without asking where they were going.

“Aw, c’mon, Daichi is gonna buy us all meat buns! Even a jerk like you has to like meat buns.”

Kei could feel his stomach growling but none of them had changed yet and he couldn’t agree to go with them and then split up to change by himself without explaining himself and telling them the truth was out of the question.

Hinata grinned at him like Kei’s inner turmoil was giving him some amount of joy, “Go wherever you go to get changed and meet us by the gate.”

“What?” he asked, stunned.

“You never change with us,” Hinata tilted his head slightly, “So I figured you’d want to before we went.”

Kei scoffed, “Who would want to get changed with a bunch of disgustingly smelly boys anyway?

Hinata glared at him while Yamaguchi chuckled beside him, “I don’t smell.”

“Haven’t you heard of deodorant?” Kei pretended to hold his nose, “You may look like a grade schooler but you stink like something died.”

“Argh!” Hinata threw his hands up in the air, “C’mon Kageyama, let’s get changed.”

As they walked away Kei watched as Hinata tried to discreetly smell his armpits. He couldn’t hold back his smile at how absurd the action was.

“You’re having fun,” Yamaguchi commented.

He glared at his friend, “Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

He smiled back, “Sorry, Tsukki.”

After he got changed in the bathroom by himself he rejoined his team for a walk to the shop for a post-practice meal.

He lagged behind everyone, walking by himself after telling Yamaguchi that he should go join the others so he could spend the sparse few minutes preparing.

Team bonding wasn’t really something that he was used to, and bonding through food was something he was even less used to. The thought of it made him uncomfortable. His stomach hurt with a combination of hunger and anxiety.

It would be fine, he told himself, it was just a meat but. And chances are no one would be looking at him.

When he got to the shop he loitered outside with the others as Daichi and Suga went inside to fetch their food. The others were as boisterous as always but that didn’t help quell the anxiety bubbling inside of him.

Daichi passed around a bag full of meat buns and Kei was the last one to take one. He quietly mumbled a thank you as he held the warm treat in his hands.

He liked meat buns, he did, but his mother had taught him that it was unladylike to enjoy food in front of others. Even back then when he was still trying to play pretend he thought it was a dumb rule. But now, when he was decidedly not a lady, he didn’t know why that lesson still had such a hold on him.

Eating in front of others shouldn’t have been such a challenge, but it was. He often found himself unable to finish lunch unless he was eating by himself.

By the time he managed his first bite most people were already done.

“You eat slow,” Kageyama commented.

Kei scoffed, “Some of us savor our food instead of stuffing our faces,” he took another bite even though he was being watched and he hoped his face didn’t look as red as it felt.

* * *

The good thing about losing the Aoba Johsai during the Inter-High tournament was that when he ran off to the bathroom afterwards everyone assumed he was going to cry in private.

Kei didn’t check to make sure that the bathroom was empty before he ran into a stall. It would be a useless endeavor anyway, the stadium was too full of people for him to find an empty bathroom to strip down in. So he had to assume that everyone would respect the privacy of the stall.

Once he was inside he took off his sweaty jersey in one swift movement and tried to do the same with his binder but it wasn’t as cooperative. His chest and ribs ached and he needed to take it off so he could breathe again but the stupid piece of fabric was so soaked with sweat that it stuck to his skin even more.

He tried to take a deep breath to calm himself but it only reminded him of how much he couldn’t breathe right now.

Slowly, carefully, he rolled the wet fabric up until his chest was freed and then up some more so he could take it off completely. It wasn’t made for the level of activity he just participated in.

Kei sat on the toilet and put his head between his knees, taking deep breaths to fill his unrestricted lungs for the first time in way too long. He clutched his jersey to his chest and tried to ignore how tender his breasts felt. He hated them so much.

He must have been away for too long because Yamaguchi came looking for him.

“Tsukki?” He called into the bathroom, “You in here?”

He considered ignoring his friend but he let out a small sigh and said, “Yeah.”

Yamaguchi leaned against the stall door, quiet permission for him to remain inside, “Are you okay?”

Kei was quiet for a long moment, “I couldn’t breathe,” he said finally. Yamaguchi hummed, Kei had explained binders to him when he first started wearing them, “Can you bring me my jacket?”

As soon as he asked, the jacket landed on his head, “I have your bag too,” he slid it under the door, “Do you need anything else?”

“No,” he shook his head even though Yamaguchi couldn’t see, “Thank you.”

Kei shoved his binder into his bag, put his jersey back on, and zipped his jacket up on top of that. He still felt exposed but it would have to do until he got home and could shower and change.

At least they were going straight home.

They didn’t actually go straight home. Kei didn’t know what was more uncomfortable, being with everyone without his binder, eating such a large meal in front of them, or seeing them all cry into their food.

Home couldn’t come fast enough.

* * *

Kei’s feet hit the floor after a successful block when he felt a familiar feeling between his legs. He made a disgusted face and vaguely heard Hinata yelling at him for looking so sour after he blocked one of his spikes. He walked away without really listening.

Hinata and Kageyama sputtered at his audacity, they thought he was being rude for walking off the court in the middle of practice, but in reality he needed to talk to Daichi right now.

He hovered by the side where Daichi was waiting to receive Asahi’s serve. He could wait another few moments but he really needed permission to be excused.

Suga saw him on the sidelines and joined him in watching, “Do you need something, Tsukishima?” he asked casually.

“I need to talk to Daichi-san,” Kei replied politely.

“Is it something I can help with?” he smiled warmly at Kei.

He liked Suga, he did, he was equally calm and chaotic and he also touched Kei once before realizing that it wasn’t something he enjoyed, and so even though Suga was often physical with the others he left Kei out of it. (Or ruffled his hair, which he discovered didn’t cause him to tense up and panic when Nishinoya did it.)

Kei shook his head, “I’m sorry, Suga-san, I really need to talk to Daichi.”

Daichi cleanly received Asahi’s serve and noticed the two of them on the sideline. He expertly dismissed Suga without raising any suspicion and pulled Kei aside so they could talk without being overheard.

Kei folded his hands neatly in front of him, “I need to be excused.”

“We’re in the middle of practice,” Daichi frowned at him.

Kei really didn’t want to spell it out, “Daichi-san” he said seriously, “I need to be excused,” and he let his gaze fall to Shimizu, the only other person in the room who would experience the same kind of problem he was currently having.

Daichi followed his gaze and squinted for a second but then a look of horror crossed his face, “Oh! Do you. Do you need help?” he asked awkwardly.

Kei crinkled his nose in disgust, “Absolutely not. I know what to do. This was just unexpected. I will try to be better prepared in the future. Thank you, Captain.”

Kei had never been so glad to walk away from a conversation.

* * *

For some reason Kei allowed the idiot duo over to his house to study. Yamaguchi thought it would be a good team bonding exercise but Kei thought if he didn’t kill them then he deserved a reward.

He hoped that when they all arrived at his house that no one would be there but he wasn’t so lucky. They entered and he called out that he was home while the others said their greetings and his mother appeared from around the corner.

“Hotaru, you’re back,” she said, “can you-- Oh, you have friends over.”

Kei glared at her. They had gone over the name thing multiple times before and he honestly didn’t know if she was calling him that on purpose or if she was slipping up.

She rolled her eyes at him, “Okay, Kei,” she said, stressing his name. His actual name.

Hinata snickered behind him, “Hotaru is a cute nickname. It means firefly, right?”

Kei turned and glared at him too, “Don’t call me that,” he said harshly.

He looked surprised at Kei’s angry tone but nodded nervously.

“We’ll be studying in my room,” Kei said to his mother.

He led the three of them down the hall towards his room but forgot that hanging on the wall was a family portrait that his mother refused to take down. Kei hated the picture so much and avoided looking at it to the point where he had forgotten that it was in a place where others could see.  
“You have siblings?” Kageyama asked.

Kei turned around to look at him, confused at what could have given him that idea. When he saw the picture his heart sank. The picture was of him, Akiteru, and their mother, but it was many years old and Kei had shoulder length curls. He didn’t look anything like that person except for the frown which he was sure was going to give him away. It was the frown of someone who knew something was wrong with them. Kei felt sorry for her, she had a few more years to go.

He made eye contact with Yamaguchi, silently asking him how he could get out of this situation, but luckily drastic measures weren’t needed.

Hinata stepped forward to look at the picture, “How come you’re not in the photo?”

“I was sick that day,” he croaked out.

Hinata squinted at the photo and looked at Kei. He hummed like he was thinking of something and finally settled on, “You look more like your brother than your sister,” he grinned up at Kei, “My little sister looks just like me though.”

Kei tried to ignore the squeeze in his chest. To choke down the gender euphoria of being told he looked like Akiteru. (Something he could obviously never tell his brother.)

“Your poor sister,” he managed to say.

Studying wasn’t too bad.

* * *

Before their weekend training camp was announced to the team, Takeda-sensei pulled Kei out of class and into a room with Daichi to talk about accommodations. They fell over themselves to say that he was absolutely welcome to go, which was nice of them, he guessed, but they wanted him to be comfortable.

And part of being comfortable meant not arising suspicion.

In the end they decided that Kei would sleep in the same room as everyone else as him not doing so would probably make the others ask questions. He already didn’t change in front of them so they wouldn’t think twice if he disappeared.

The bigger discussion was around bathing. He couldn’t go the whole weekend without taking a bath, it would be disgusting. Daichi had shyly offered that Kei could bathe with Shimizu if he didn’t mind telling her but Kei didn’t want that.

The other option was that he bathed by himself after everyone was done. The first years always bathed last and Daichi could always hold him up until the others were done and he had the bath to himself. No matter what he ran the risk of being caught, but he’d rather take his bath by himself in the men’s bath than with Shimizu in the women’s bath.

Talking about the camp was worse than the camp itself.

No one asked why Daichi had to talk to him whenever it was time for the first years to go in the bath and no one bothered him once he was inside, which was good because he took longer than he usually did due to the fact it was the only time he wasn’t wearing a binder throughout the entire camp.

When he got back home his chest and ribs were sore, but he was happy that he got to be included.

* * *

Kei blocked Ushijima’s spike and he literally screamed with pride. It was the loudest the team had ever heard him, the only time they had ever seen him celebrate. But he didn’t care because he had done what so few were able to do.

When he stood back up he looked across the net proudly and thought, ‘Ha, you were blocked by a girl.”

And his stomach dropped.

Because it had been years since he had thought of himself as such. Even before he started doing anything about it he had almost completely stopped thinking of himself like that. So why did that thought come now? Why did it have to come in the middle of the court when everyone was looking at him and scrutinizing him.

He tried to calm himself. Everything was fine. Everyone here looked at him and saw a boy.

Getting hurt a few rally’s later was almost a blessing. He needed to leave the court and clear his head so he could come back stronger.

Shimizu led him to the medic and Akiteru, who he had told not to come to the game, met them there and for once he was happy that his brother never listened to him.

“That’s my brother,” he said to Shimizu, “Can I see him?”

Kei nodded at her and she let him pass.

Akiteru sat down next to him as the doctor looked over his hand, “Kei, are you okay?”

He bit his lower lip to keep from crying, but at least everyone in the room would think it was because of the pain in his hand and not because he somehow misgendered himself when even his airheaded brother could keep everything straight.

Kei was grateful for Akiteru, not that he would ever admit it outloud, but Aki was the first person he came out to and he’s been his biggest cheerleader ever since. It was Aki who first gave him clothes, then bought him his own clothes, and eventually got him his binders. It was even Aki who suggested the name Kei .

He shifted slightly so he could lean on his brother.

“Are you okay?” he asked again.

“I told you not to come here,” he grumbled.

Akiteru grinned, “And miss my little brother beat Shiratorizawa and win a spot at Nationals? Never.”

Aki always unconsciously reaffirmed him again and again. He had almost seamlessly slipped from calling him baby sister to little brother and Kei couldn’t express how much it meant to him at that moment.

Instead he scoffed, “I’m ready to go back now.”

* * *

Kei didn’t like training alongside Nekoma. Too many of their players had sharp eyes and watched him and it made him uncomfortable. In reality it was only Kuroo and Kenma, but that was enough to set him on edge.

Kenma watched the entire court so there was no reason to think that he was looking at him in particular, until he felt eyes on him during a water break and found Kenma looking his way with an analytical gaze. Kei glanced down at himself to make sure there wasn’t something obvious he was forgetting.

After a full day of training Kuroo managed to corral him into extra blocking practice and even though he was getting tips from a higher skilled player, he couldn’t help but feel like Kuroo was studying him.

It took an hour for Kei to snap at him, “Do you want something?”

Kuroo grinned lazily at him and Kei hated that stupid expression, “I think you and my dear friend Kenma have something in common.”

“We have to put up with you?” he shot back, full of venom. He didn’t want to talk about this with him or anyone else for that matter.

“Kuroo,” Akaashi spoke up from across the room, “leave him alone.”

Kei met Akaashi’s calm gaze and he wondered if he knew as well.

“I need to leave.”

He ran and didn’t look back.

Daichi held him back while the others took their baths and he spent the time silently panicking. None of them had explicitly called him out for being different, all they did was look at him or imply. He could brush it off as nothing. There was no reason for him to confirm anything. As far as he was concerned the least amount of people who knew the better.

Kei was grateful when it was his turn to bathe. The hot water soothed his sore muscles and he idly told himself that he shouldn’t get too comfortable or else he’ll fall asleep. Regardless of what he told himself, he tilted his head back and rested against the tile. Closing his eyes for a second wouldn’t hurt.

Maybe it was a second or maybe it was ten minutes, he wasn’t sure, but either way he was woken but a small gasp and Hinata saying, “You have breasts.”

Kei opened his eyes and saw a blurry orange blob standing across the room. He fumbled for his glasses and put them on as he slid down in the bath to hide his chest, “No, I don’t,” he denied childishly.

Hinata squawked at him, “You’re the blind one, not me! I know what I saw.”

“Keep it down,” Kei hissed, “what are you even doing here?”

“Oh, I forgot my,” he started to look around but then whipped back around to look at Kei, “don’t change the subject.”

Kei clicked his tongue, there was no way to get out of this, “Can you keep a secret, Shrimp?” he asked nervously. Hinata looked as if he was going to protest the nickname but then he saw how out of sorts his teammate was so he nodded, “I have breasts,” Kei bit out.

Hinata snorted, “Obviously. Why haven’t I noticed before?”

“Do you spend a lot of time checking me out?” Kei smirked.

“No!” he said hotly, “Stupid-shima.”

The familiar banter was comforting, “I wasn’t born a boy,” Kei said softly.

Hinata looked thoughtful for a second, “You’re transgender.”

“I hate that word,” Kei said automatically, “I’m not… I’m not anything. I’m just me.”

He nodded, “That’s fine. It would be weird if you were someone else,” Hinata did a double take, “This is why you don’t change with us!”

“Obviously,” he rolled his eyes, “Now can you leave so I can get out?”

Hinata blushed a bright red and Kei grit his teeth. Hinata had probably seen all of their other teammates in various stages of undress and didn’t find them embarrassing but because Kei’s body was wrong he was blushing like an idiot.

Kei stood up before Hinata could turn around, exposing himself fully and pretending he wasn’t ashamed.

Hinata’s blush extended down his neck, “What the heck, Tsukishima? What did you do that for?” He covered his eyes and turned around.

“You’ve never seen a naked body before?” Kei scoffed.

“Don’t make fun of me.”

They were quiet as Kei wrapped a towel around himself and dried himself off. Kei wondered what Hinata was thinking about. Wondered if he realized that was Kei in the picture he saw at Kei’s house or that Hotaru wasn’t a cute nickname his mother called him but a cruel reminder of the past.

Kei cleared his throat, “This doesn’t bother you?”

Hinata looked over his shoulder, “Why would it? You’re the same Meanie-shima, you’re still really good at blocking. It doesn’t matter to me what your body is like. I’m small and I’m still here.”

Kei looked at his hands, “Please don’t tell anyone.”

“Guh, and admit I saw you naked?”

* * *

The stadium where Nationals was held was kind of amazing. Kei had to take a moment to take it all in. Everything was more intense, the lights were brighter, the sounds were louder. They had made it.

He had to stop himself from bouncing on his feet while he waited to be introduced before the first game.

But then the unthinkable happened.

“Number 11, Tsukishima Hotaru.”

Kei froze. He was completely unable to move. He didn’t know what to do in this situation. What was the correct course of action?

Someone must have done something because the announcer corrected himself, “I’m sorry, number 11, Tsukishima Kei.”

Kei mechanically took his place on the court.

It could all be written off as a simple mistake, right? Hotaru and Kei were written the same way, it was part of the reason he chose the name.

He looked around at his teammates.

They knew.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who said this fic meant a lot to them. I hope it doesn't disappoint.

Kei was off his game for the rest of the match but they won anyway. Although he’d never admit it, he would have been pretty upset if the team lost because he couldn’t get his head in the game.

No one commented on the name slip up during the match but he felt them looking at him like they were trying to figure him out. Kei knew that he had to shake off his shock because he was sure that they were going to kick him off the team. If not for being different than for lying to them or tricking them or something. He just hoped they would let him go peacefully.

When the match was over they celebrated their first Nationals victory but it was more subdued than it would have been otherwise.

Takeda-sensei pulled him aside with an apologetic look and explained that he had handed in a list of players but it was noted that his name was Kei so that shouldn’t have happened and he was very sorry.

Kei nodded at him.

Yamaguchi was the next to approach him. Kei had waved him off during the game when he had rotated out, because mid-game was not the time to talk to him about what had happened, but he couldn’t avoid him forever.

Fortunately Yamaguchi knew him the best out of everyone. He was the second person Kei ever came out to, after Akiteru, and he didn’t approach Kei like he was a wounded animal because that was a sure way to get him to snap. Kei didn’t like to be treated like he was broken, he wanted to be treated the same as everyone else and not be constantly reminded that he was a bit different. Yamaguchi knew that.

“Your blocks weren’t as good as they usually are,” he said as he passed Kei a water bottle.

Kei glared at him, “I hardly needed to do my best to beat them.”

Yamaguchi shrugged, “Kageyama is going to yell at you if you start slacking off now.”

“Let him.”

There was a beat of silence, “You okay?”

Kei ducked his head, “I hate how much I’m going to sound like Hinata when I say this, but I want to stay on the court as long as possible.”

Yamaguchi snorted, “He’d love to hear you say that,” Kei groaned, sounding like Hinata wasn’t a compliment, “You should talk to the team. They’re not bad people.”

“I probably don’t have a choice anymore.”

* * *

He wasn’t going to talk to the team in the stadium though, and no one forced him to. Daichi shuffled them off the court and into the stands so they could rest, eat, and watch some of the other teams play.

Usually he and Yamaguchi found seats a few paces away from the rest of the team, so he was surprised that when he sat down, they all chose seats around him even though there were other options.

They had closed ranks around him.

He shoved his head in his bag and pretended to look around for something so he could take a minute to compose himself. They didn’t need to see him cry.

When he leaned back in his seat again, Hinata, who had sat down next to him, wordlessly handed him a banana. Kei was thankful for the nutrients. His muscles were sore even if he didn’t play his hardest and he could use the fuel. He nodded in thanks but Hinata was focused on the game and didn’t see it.

Kei peeled the banana and broke off a small chunk. Another stupid food lesson that had stuck with him was to not eat phallic shaped food around men, lest they get ideas. He knew that was stupid but he still broke the banana into pieces and ate it that way instead. At least he managed to eat it, he told himself.

While they were watching the game going on in front of them, Kei overheard a conversation.

“Did you hear that Karasuno has a girl player?” one of the guys said.

The other laughed, “I bet it’s the short red-head.”

Kei sat frozen in his seat, his hands on his thighs balled into tight fists. He didn’t know those guys but they knew about him, so news of his name mishap had gotten around and people didn’t think that it was a simple kanji slip up. They knew. He was definitely going to be kicked off the team. They would definitely want to avoid a scandal.

Hinata jumped to his feet next to him and turned around to face the guys who were talking about them, “And I can still jump higher than you!” he yelled.

The men paled. They had no idea that they were right by Karasuno and now they had the majority of the team glaring at them.

They fled and Hinata sat back down.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Kei mumbled, “Now they’re going to think…” he trailed off.

Hinata shrugged, “It’s fine. People already underestimate me.”

* * *

Back at the inn he couldn’t avoid the conversation any longer. The entire team had gathered for dinner and the meal was almost over when he finally pulled together enough courage to tell them.

He cleared his throat to try and get their attention because there was no way he was going to be heard over their bickering. They had been nice enough to leave him alone and not push the issue but the longer they put it off the more anxious he felt and he couldn’t avoid it forever.

When Daichi realized that Kei wanted to speak he quieted the rest of the table.

Kei licked his lips nervously, “I’m,” he paused and looked down at his food. He hated the word but it was probably the simplest explanation, “transgender,” he managed to get out after a moment.

The table’s silence was broken by Tanaka loudly saying, “I have no idea what that means.”

Kei felt his cheeks burn, he knew that he would have to answer some questions but he didn’t think that he would have to explain so much.

He heard Yamaguchi snicker quietly beside him, in any other situation he would probably find his teammate’s cluelessness funny as well, “It means he wasn’t born a boy,” his friend clarified.

Tanaka looked at him and Kei tried not to squirm under his gaze, “You look like a guy,” he said after a few moments.

This was something he could answer.

“I take hormones.”

Hinata slammed his hands on the table, “Is that why you’re so tall!”

Kei couldn’t contain his smirk, “Sorry, Shrimp, I was tall even before I started taking hormones.”

“Argh,” he yelled, “No fair!”

“You can get hormones so young?” Ennoshita asked.

Kei turned to him. That was actually a decent question, “I haven’t been on them for long,” he explained. There was no reason to explain that this was another thing he had to thank Akiteru for, “I only started a few months ago and I take a very low dose.”

Ennoshita nodded, finding his answer acceptable.

“So you don’t have a penis?” Tanaka blurted out.

Kei blushed bright red at his direct question while Daichi scolded him for being crude, but Kei shook his head no. The movement caught everyone’s attention.

His willingness to answer spurned Noya to ask, “Do you want one?”

“Noya!” Daichi yelled, trying to control his team, “Tsukishima, I’m sorry about these idiots.”

“It’s fine,” he mumbled, “I’ve answered these questions before.” And that was true, Akiteru had no boundaries and did a lot of research and every so often came back to Kei with a list of questions that he had no qualms about asking, so Kei was used to boundary-crossing questions even if he didn’t want to be.

Kei turned to Noya and with a straight face told him, “Yes, I would like one, but medical science isn’t at a place where they could give me one that functions normally.”

“I have a question,” Yachi spoke up shyly, “If it’s okay. When did you know?”

He exhaled slowly, “I was seven,” he said quietly, “I told Akiteru, my brother, when I was nine. He’s been helping me since then.”

A silence fell over the table and Kei waited for more questions but none came. He was surprised by their acceptance, however awkward it may be. Eventually Daichi told them to leave him alone even though no one was pestering him.

When the first person stood to leave the table, Kei had to speak up, “Excuse me,” he raised his arm slightly to get everyone’s attention, “Are you going to kick me off the team?”

They looked at him as if he grew a second head, “Of course not.”

* * *

They didn’t win Nationals, they came in fifth place, but Kei felt like he won anyway.

* * *

“Tsukishima!” Noya called to him after a grueling morning practice, “Come change with us.”

Kei waited for him to say he was kidding or burst out laughing or, hell, even start bullying him; but Noya just smiled at him with his annoyingly genuine smile and Kei knew that he was actually inviting him into the club room even though he knew that Kei wasn’t like him.

“I,” Kei started to say, but he had no idea where he was going with this sentence. He had never thought for a second that he would change with them, let alone that he would be invited to do so.

Yamaguchi, Hinata, and Kageyama walked over to where he was standing to see what the hold up was when Noya repeated his offer.

“Yeah!” Hinata agreed, “Come with us.”

Kei nodded dumbly even though he didn’t want to.

He had never actually been inside the club room before. The closest he had been was outside the door while he waited for Yamaguchi. Inside was nothing special, it was actually a bit anticlimactic. The only problem was that he didn’t know what he was supposed to do now that he was inside?

How did guys act in communal changing rooms? He had never been in one before.

Yamaguchi led him over to an area where, Kei assumed, he usually got changed and started taking his shirt off. Some of the others were talking, completely unperturbed by his arrival, but Yamaguchi was quietly telling him that it was okay for him to get changed in the corner without interacting with them.

Kei brought his fingers to the hem of his shirt and tried to ignore their shaking. He could do this, it would be fine. In a swift motion he pulled his shirt over his head.

And there he was, standing in a room with his teammates in his binder. No one was looking at him but he still felt the panic setting in. He quickly grabbed his uniform shirt and pulled it on, it took longer than usual to button up due to his shaky hands but at least he was covered up.

If he was changing in the bathroom he probably would have changed his binder too, both to give himself a small breather and so he wouldn’t have to wear one that was already sweaty. But in the club room that wasn’t an option. His chest would be sore at the end of the day, but it was a small price to pay.

Kei hooked his thumbs in his shorts. He needed to change out of these too. Luckily he wore boxers underneath so he didn’t have to worry about them seeing him in woman’s underwear or the like, but he knew he was still a bit curvier than he liked. Fat redistribution hadn’t completely done it’s job yet.

But it was fine, he told himself, no one was looking, and he quickly changed out of his shorts and into his uniform pants.

He felt better when he was fully dressed, he was happy that he was included, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to do it again.

* * *

“Hotaru,” his mother said warmly when he got home, “Come here, I bought you something.”

Kei grit his teeth. The more time that past the more he knew that his mother was just waiting for him to ‘get over his phase’. She wasn’t actively hostile to him, which he counted as a small blessing, but she was a bit passive aggressive at times.

“It’s Kei,” he managed to say politely. There was no reason to lose his temper at her even if his blood boiled under his skin.

She rolled her eyes at him, “Kei, right. I got something for you.”

She held up a shirt with a print of the phases of the moon. It would have been a nice gesture, as he did like moon prints, if the shirt wasn’t clearly a woman’s v-neck.

“That’s for girls,” he said blankly.

“But it would look so good on you,” she practically poured.

Kei turned around and walked away without another word. She could punish him for being rude if she wanted, it didn’t matter to him, he just needed to leave the situation before it escalated to something worse.

He didn’t need her to buy him clothes, Akiteru happily doted on him even if Kei didn’t want him to, but he wished that she wouldn’t push things on him.

* * *

The five of them were eating lunch together outside when Yachi shyly asked if she could ask him a somewhat personal question.

Kei pushed his half eaten lunch aside, he still had trouble eating in front of them even though they had been meeting for lunch for months now. He nodded, “Sure.”

“How does sexuality work with you? I tried to look it up but it was confusing,” she tilted her head to the side and when Kei didn’t answer right away her eyes widened and she started flailing, “I’m sorry if that’s too personal, you don’t have to answer!”

“Generally,” Kei said slowly, “A boy who likes girls is straight and a boy who likes boys is gay. I’m a boy.”

“But what about,” Yachi quickly glanced between Kei’s legs and blushed.

Kei crossed his legs. For the first time ever Yachi had made him uncomfortable. It was oddly bold of her to ask such a question, “Yachi, do you like boys or girls?” Kei asked. If she was going to ask personal questions he could too.

She looked up at him, equal parts surprised and curious, “Both, I suppose.”

“Hey, me too!” Hinata chimed in and reached over to give Yachi a high five. Kei had forgotten that they were there as well as they had kept awfully quiet during the previous part of the conversation.

Kei sighed, “Anyway, you don’t like people because of the parts they have, so it shouldn’t matter,” Kei balled his hands into fists, he at least liked to tell himself that. He didn’t know what kind of person he would date in the future but he hoped that it wouldn’t matter, “I need to go.”

He stood up, leaving his lunch behind.

“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi reached out, getting ready to follow after him.

Kei shook his head, “It’s fine, I’m fine.”

* * *

“What’s your deal, Tsukishima? You’ve been extra mean today!” Hinata yelled at him after practice let out for the day.

Kei glared at him, he didn’t think that he was being meaner than usual but he was pissed off. He wasn’t bottling it up as well as he thought it was.

“I’m fine,” he snapped.

Hinata looked taken aback, Kei was usually so cool headed he probably didn’t expect to get yelled at over something as trivial as a question.

Kei took a deep breath, “I’m fine,” he tried again.

“What’s wrong?” he asked like he genuinely cared.

“It’s none of your business,” Kei frowned at him. He didn’t need anyone caring about him, it was easier that way.

Hinata crossed his arms, “We’re friends, right? I think? Tell me what’s wrong,” he said stubbornly.

Kei quickly ran through a few scenarios and decided that telling him would get Hinata off his back faster. He gave Hinata his most put upon sigh, “My mother has invited a lot of our family over for dinner this weekend and she asked me if I could,” he paused, trying to figure out the best words to use, “not be myself while they’re visiting.”

Hinata squawked, offended on his behalf, “Invite me to your family thing,” he demanded.

“What?”

“Invite me,” he repeated.

Kei stared at him, he could never figure Hinata out, “Why would I do that?”

Hinata looked up at him with burning eyes that he usually reserved for the court, “So i can call you Kei in front of all your family.”

He pushed his glasses up his nose to hide his embarrassment, “That’s stupid,” he mumbled.

He invited Hinata.

* * *

“My mother is going to think you’re my boyfriend,” Kei said by way of greeting.

Hinata hardly looked startled, “Okay, that’s fine.”

Kei frowned, “That doesn’t bother you?”

Hinata shrugged, “As long as you’re fine with it, I don’t care. I’m doing this for you anyway.”

He watched Hinata as he entered the house and removed his shoes, he seemed oddly calm for someone who volunteered to aggressively gender Kei in front of his family to make sure they knew who he was. Was Kei the only one who was nervous?

His family hadn’t arrived yet so he led Hinata deeper into the house and to his room. He saw Hinata hesitate at the picture in the hall, he must have realized that the girl in the picture was him but he didn’t say anything, just kept walking.

“I was gonna ask this last time I was here,” Hinata said once they were in his room, “why dinosaurs?”

Kei looked at the dinosaurs on his shelf, “When I was younger my mother said that dinosaurs were for boys. So I got into them out of spite, I guess.”

Hinata laughed, “That sounds just like you.”

Kei opened his mouth to defend himself but his bedroom door flung open and his mother let himself in, “Hello,” she said to Hinata, “Are you Hotaru’s boyfriend? You must be if you were invited to our family event.

“No,” Hinata smiled, “I’m Kei’s boyfriend.”

His mother seemed taken aback by Hinata’s bold statement. She gave Kei a sharp look, clearly trying to tell him to behave himself, and excused herself saying she had to prepare for the guests.

While they had time to kill they worked out some of the details of their ruse. Kei begrudgingly agreed to call him Shoyou for the night and they decided they didn’t have to act super romantic with each other but if someone got very pushy they could hold hands (“Are you sure? I know you’re weird about being touched.” “Shut up, I’ll be fine.”).

What Kei didn’t account for was the fact that Hinata would blush like an idiot every time he called him Shoyou, but it did help sell the idea that they were dating. Which was stupid because it wasn’t the point of this endeavor at all but it lent validity to why Hinata was there.

During the party Hinata corrected everyone who misgendered him, and he did it so politely that his family felt like they couldn’t fight back or else they’d be seen as rude. It was actually kind of amazing.

After correcting one of his uncles for the fifth time Hinata took his hand and didn’t let go for the entire night. Kei thought he would be annoyed but oddly he wasn’t.

At the end of the night Hinata grinned at him, cheeks slightly pink, and said he had fun.

Kei didn’t return the sentiment out loud but he did too.

* * *

Akiteru was his biggest supporter, he was overwhelmingly supportive, but sometimes he crossed the line into pushy.

There were a lot of things he wouldn’t have if it weren’t for his brother, so he tried not to complain, but sometimes Akiteru did a bunch of research and tried to talk to Kei about things that really weren’t his business.

Kei just wanted Akiteru (and everyone else) to see him as a regular high school student and member of a rising volleyball club and to not be pushed into the box of Aki’s trans brother.

But Akiteru made that difficult when he came home from college and started a conversation with “have you ever wanted a packer?”

Kei dropped the cup he was holding and it shattered on the floor, sending tea and ceramic shards splattering out everywhere. He usually wasn’t clumsy and if anyone dared to accuse him of being such in that situation he would definitely blame Akiteru for his reaction. It was not every day your brother waltzed in the door and asked if you wanted a fake penis for everyday use.

Aki jumped when the cup broke and started picking up some of the bigger pieces. Kei didn’t move. He could feel the warm tea seep into his socks and it was an unpleasant feeling but he was still processing Akiteru’s question.

Akiteru cleaned up the entire mess by the time Kei came back to himself.

“What?” he hissed. It probably would have had more bite to it if he had been able to respond minutes prior.

“I said--”

Kei held up a hand, “Stop, no, don’t talk to me,” he tried to leave the kitchen and his socks squelched uncomfortably.

Akiteru frowned at him, “I’m just trying to be helpful.”

He spun around to face his brother, “You’re not being helpful! You’re being pushy and weird. I’ll let you know if I need help but right now I need you to never ask me about my--” Kei was working himself up, getting angrier than necessary, and he cut himself off. He didn’t want Aki to talk about his genitals and he wasn’t going to yell about them.

“Okay, I understand,” he said, face open and honest.

“Good,” he grit out, still seething a bit and trying to calm down.

Aki smiled at him, “Now go change out of those gross socks.”

* * *

Because of their new National ranking more schools wanted to have practice matches with them. It boosted the team’s ego to know that they were being considered a powerhouse school that people wanted to compete against again. Takeda-sensei had fielded calls from multiple schools they hadn’t played against before and set up a handful of practice matches for them.

They needed them too. Even though Daichi, Suga, and Asahi had been gone for a while they were still trying to regain their footing. They had moments where they played wonderfully as a team but they also had moments where they all fell apart.

There was a learning curve and they were still trying to adjust.

Right after classes had let out for the day they had taken a half hour bus ride to a school that Kei didn’t care to listen to the name of, he was more preoccupied with the fact that an away game meant it would take longer for him to get home and bathe.

When they arrived the other team let them use their gym to stretch and warm up before the match started.

They were most of the way through warming up when one of the players approached Tanaka, “I heard a rumor that your team has a girl on it.”

Tanaka’s entire demeanor changed from calm to scary in an instant, “The only girl on our team is the manager, you got that?”

Kei didn’t know how to react. Tanaka made no motion towards him and didn’t call him out in any way, which was nice because he didn’t want any attention drawn to him, but he wasn’t sure if he should do something.

Ennoshita subtly made his way over to Kei and hovered his hand over Kei’s back, “Are you okay?” he asked quietly.

Kei adjusted his sports glasses and nodded.

“We could leave, no one would mind.”

“No,” he said quickly, “Then they’d know they hit a nerve. I’d rather crush them.”

They did.

* * *

Kei still didn’t like practicing alongside Nekoma. Kuroo had graduated but Kenma still looked at him sometimes like he was a puzzle that needed to be figured out. Which was ridiculous because he was at Nationals last year and he was close friends with Hinata so he had to know about him.

As much as he hated it, it was no longer a well-kept secret.

They were going to spend three days training with Nekoma and he couldn’t spend the entire weekend feeling looked at. So at the end of the first day he approached Kenma.

Kenma was sitting against the far wall, he had pulled a Nintendo Switch out of somewhere and was already tapping away at some game or another, ignoring his teammates, but they weren’t bothering him, just looking at him with fond smiles. It was kind of weird.

Kei sat down next to him, leaving more than an arm’s width between them, because he thought standing over him would look too suspicious. Kenma glanced at him when he sat down but didn’t say anything.

“Last year, Kuroo said we may have something in common,” Kei said, looking straight ahead.

Kenma’s fingers slipped on the buttons and he quickly paused the game to whip out his phone, “That asshole needs to mind his own business,” he mumbled mostly to himself.

Kei watched as he sent rapid fire text messages. It was a bit impressive.

“He shouldn’t have said anything to you,” Kenma said, glancing back over at Kei.

“If you didn’t know then why do you keep looking at me?” Kei asked.

Kenma blushed slightly, “You pass well,” he said, voice barely audible.

Kei looked down at himself. He mostly assumed that people accepted him as a guy because he was tall. He had plenty of features that he picked apart as not right or not good enough. He looked at Kenma, if he was like him, then he passed just as well, “Are you…” his voice trailed off, leaving his question unsaid.

He shook his head, “I’m not, I’m,” he scrunched up his face, “I don’t know.”

Kei nodded, he knew the feeling.

* * *

Hinata kept blushing around him and Kei hated it. In fact, Hinata had been acting weird ever since he came to his family gathering and helped him out.

Every time he saw Hinata blush his anger spiked, he wasn’t some school girl for him to have a crush on. But that was dumb because he didn’t actually think that Hinata saw him as a girl because he did spend so much time defending him. But on the other hand Hinata did see him naked in the baths so what if subconsciously he did think of Kei as a girl?

Regardless of what Hinata thought of him as, Kei was pissed off.

“What?” Kei snapped at him eventually.

Hinata’s cheeks turned red, “I. Um. Do you want to go on a date?”

A weird combination of anger and anxiety filled his stomach, “You know I’m not a girl, right?”

“I mean, I’m bisexual so I don’t really care what your body looks like. I mean, I do! Because it’s nice. I mean, argh!” Hinata stumbled over his words before he scrubbed at his face like he was trying to rid himself of his own awkwardness.

Kei stared at him, “You know that was terribly offensive, right?”

“What?” he squeaked out.

“You literally just said, I like girls so I can like you too.” Kei crossed his arms.

Hinata’s eyes widened, “That’s not what I meant! I just didn’t want you to worry. Forget it, I did it all wrong,” he said with a defeated look.

“No,” Kei said defiantly, “I won’t forget it. But if you really want to make it up to me, I guess you can take me out.”


End file.
